Truth is, you can’t fix sib rivalry. It’s part of growing up. Surprisingly, the best thing to do when sibs fight is nothing. Don’t ever comment on the fighting and never jump in to save one child from another. As soon as parents get pulled into these perpetual mini-battles and complaints, sibs play up their victimhood. The tears start flowing. The accusations of hurt feelings and ouches skyrocket. It’s a classic parent trap you need to avoid.
Then why so much fighting? Here’s what’s really going on beneath the surface. Both sibs want your attention and want to win (that means you side with them over their brother or sister). Haven’t you realized that sib rivalry sparks as soon as you step into a room… and haven’t you noticed it’s really bad in confined spaces (like cars) where you’re stuck in the front seat like a judge listening to passionate legal arguments. So, keep in mind, your presence is a catalyst for these epoch battles. Don’t join in or try to fix them – it makes things worse. But there are times you can’t ignore, for example, if one sib smacks the other for no justified reason or an over-the-top insult is lobbed. When this happens, march the offender immediately to their room without warning or a second chance. No lecturing… they already know what they’ve done is wrong. Remove them from family interaction for a bit (I call this a time-away in my book). And if both kids are fighting or getting under your nerves with yelling and nasty behavior, don’t try to negotiate or settle the fight or figure out who did what. You’d have run a DNA analysis like a CSI investigator to get at the bottom of it. Instead, immediately separate them, give no second chances. Give equal time-aways in separate, quiet space. And tell them this: “I don’t know why you keep fighting and making so much unpleasantness. We don’t do that in our home. You both will have to stay separate until you figure out how to work out your differences and your disagreements better.” Then do something nice for yourself… pat yourself on the back… knowing you avoided a classic parent trap. Then enjoy the ensuing, temporary quiet! My Facebook fans often ask: How can I find someone like you but near me? Start networking. It takes time. Ask your pediatrician, other parents, trusted teachers and day-care folks, and see if any names of good professionals pop up. You want to find someone who identifies themselves as a “behavioral” and/or “developmental” oriented therapist (preferably a Ph.D. or Psy.D. doctoral level psychologist). Make sure they aren’t all about quickly diagnosing problems and then moving your child onto medications. Specifically, the professionals you want to meet with should work with parents and child(ren) in the office at same time. That’s makes a difference. The professional should be someone you also feel comfortable with. You should walk away from a first meeting with some tips and strategies. If not, thank them for their help and keep looking. One parent asked: I have a 4.5 year old boy who has an issue with running in parking lots. It’s a game now. At first I chased him, I now have an infant and can’t run after him. This is scary and frustrating and I know I’m mishandling the situation. But I can’t let him run! I’ve tried bringing objects to entice him but they rarely work. I’ve tried not chasing him and being stern. Haha. Any suggestions to correct this after a year of this game!? Answer: Game of Chase isn’t for Parking Lots As the mother of a five year old recently told me, running in parking lots is a dangerous habit many young boys need to break. Start with a 100% refusal to chase them. That’s what makes it rewarding and a game to them. The problem is they need a new habit – built on a simple phrase called “Safety Rules”. Before you get out of the car or before you enter a parking lot … and always before you approach a street corner do this:
Many years back I worked with disadvantaged inner city boys who were always bolting off. Often, I’d have to go up and down the stairs of our clinic repeating and practicing safety rules until they realized there would be no playtime until they complied. “I have all day,” I told them with a measured calm voice. “It’s your choice… We’re both missing out.” A mom reported recently to me that her son’s teacher is pushing for an ADHD diagnosis. While this mom is taking the school’s comments seriously, she and her husband are also seeing the bigger picture. She told me, “He is only seven – and a happy, smart, loving boy… and I think we just all need to put our heads together to figure out how to best motivate him but in a positive way.” This is the right approach… not rushing into using labels for early struggles, or worse, starting a seven year old on a possible life-long course of medications he may not need. Nationally, more and more boys are being diagnosed with ADHD – and in my opinion – it often has nothing to do with a true disorder. It’s more about improper teaching methods and sedentary classroom approaches and misunderstanding how boys think and learn. Schools don’t look at themselves. Instead, they too often focus on blaming boys (and their brains) for tuning out in class. Schools rush to use psychological tests. Worse, they casually hand out behavior rating scales designed to find ADHD. They put time and energy into highly subjective diagnoses – rather than doing what we know works to spark the developing minds of young boys and men. What boys need to learn is simple. Moving while thinking, promoting hands-on activities, healthy competition, and spending less time sitting and prepping for standardized tests. A parent of a gifted five-year old wonders why her son often sounds unhappy and fears growing up. Many smart youngsters can become easily overwhelmed by their brain’s capacity to think too big. Imagine you are only five and you’re thinking about the meaning of life, growing up and having to find a job, wondering what it would be like to be alone! Very young children have no real-life experience to put any of these big, scary thoughts into perspective. I recommend not spending lots of time talking about these big thoughts with very young kids. That only reinforces them to feel worse. If your child isn’t sharing these uncharacteristic big (negative) thoughts away from you, that may be a sign that you are fueling those concerns accidentally. Better to acknowledge big, scary thoughts fast, then put them in their place! First explain that thoughts are in our control: “I know you have very strong feelings and worries. Sometimes your feelings get too big – but they are only feelings and they can change. We can make them smaller or turn them into happier thoughts if we want to…” Then show your child how to control them: “Let’s move, let’s go outside, let’s do something real like play, run, wrestle, and that’s how we stop those feelings. We don’t have to think of them right now – but if later you still feel them – we can talk about them. We can find good ways (like drawing or singing or making a play about them) to make sure they don’t seem too big or stay around too long.” A parent I know is questioning if her second grader has ADHD. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t. There are many things that mimic the symptoms. It takes time to make an accurate diagnosis and well-trained professionals should always be consulted. Meanwhile, her son has picked up on the ADHD terminology. He’s saying he can’t focus on homework because his “brain is distracted.” When he gets caught doing something he shouldn’t – like swearing at his brother – he says he’s “being impulsive.” Are his problems due to an attention deficit? Perhaps. But he’s also complaining that sorting his laundry is way too hard. And the Legos that cover his bedroom floor can’t be organized, because, well – it’s “just too hard.” This boy is smart and I think he’s found a convenient get-out-of-jail-free card … an excuse he can call up whenever the going gets tough. Whether this boy has ADHD or not, excuse-making is a slippery slope. In time, he might start believing these limitations. If you’re investigating a diagnosis of ADHD, or your child/teen currently has this diagnosis, here’s how to avoid ADHD excuses.
A parent recently checked in about her son being accused of tackling another boy at school. When the teachers observed more carefully, it turned out he wasn’t the only one. Many of the second grade boys were tackling each other, mostly during recess. Should there be a no-touching rule instituted and swift discipline applied for any boy caught doing this? Consider that these boys wouldn’t need to be aggressive in this way if they got more movement throughout the day. They need daily opportunities to channel their natural aggression. All-boy schools give us a model to follow. They give boys many ways to release strong natural urges to show physical power and force. Don’t stuff aggression, work with it. Guide it. Channel it. Anything less denies a part of who boys are. Notes coming home from teachers? Are they telling you your child’s not focusing or they’re wandering off during circle time? With schools under much stress these days to keep to government performance standards, many teachers are recommending to parents that young children be tested for learning problems. Most are young boys. Is this helpful?
Most classroom adjustment issues are temporary. They don’t require testing. They are developmental – and buying your child time often does the trick. But if teachers continue to recommend testing, how should you proceed – and what’s the right age to do it? For common early behavior issues (that are mostly showing up at school but not home), I’d wait until 7 years old (or a bit older) as testing very young children doesn’t yield as much reliable data. Second, what “tests” are used and “who” does the testing matter. At the least, a WISC (intelligence test) is valuable. Also some educational tests too (those are simple grade-level tests to assess ability on typical classroom tasks… such as language and number skills). Be wary of quick scales (the Conners, the Vanderbilt, and the Achenbach are typical examples) that teachers and parents are told to fill out. Those are highly subjective. In my opinion, they yield much less valuable information, especially for very young boys. They are also geared toward looking for hyperactivity, impulsivity, and focus… sending (mostly boys) down an ADHD path and to medication. These are self-report style scales should never be used alone (independent of more powerful, better designed tests) and shouldn’t be relied on exclusively to make diagnostic decisions. If the school offers to do 1-1 testing – performed by a good/qualified (at least masters level psychologist) – consider having it done. But ask them up front specifically what tests they plan on using and how experienced is the tester. Also, ask up front what they plan on doing with the test information and does it necessarily require you adopt their special education services… it might, and that’s generally ok, but you want all that explained first. Then, if you agree to testing, see where the data falls. Think of it as a snapshot. It may reveal an underlying developmental lag that does deserve some extra (in class or out) help. Hopefully the school will provide that service. Also, check with your pediatrician on basics. Vision and hearing, sleep, getting enough physical activity, diet and allergies… many things can cause behavior issues at school, including stress at home. every child is different. Keep up with good behavior training at home (see my other posts). For most boys, who have a rocky start to school, they just need time. Some continue with struggles and need special services, and a few may need something more – a different school environment (smaller classes, more boy-friendly activities and matched teaching style). Again, buying a little time makes the most sense. Not rushing the developmental process. Not automatically reacting to teachers who may themselves be struggling or stressed. It gives your youngster time to grow and develop and adjust to new demands. A mom recently shared with me a teacher’s email about her 10 year old son. It went something like this… Jason was discussing Molotov Cocktails at school. This is not the first time he’s been discussing violent things, so I sent him and the other boys to meet with the Principal during recess. Maybe Molotov Cocktails isn’t a great topic to be (overheard) discussing at school these days. Constant, frenetic media drives up our worries about safety. Everyone is on edge. Schools are cracking down on any language that teachers or administrators perceive as “violent.” They worry boys are becoming more aggressive. In some cases, tamping down some talk (e.g., bullying, being mean, etc.) has real merit, but in this case I believe it doesn’t. Here’s why: Boys aren’t talking about weapons or war more often than they used to. Truth is, they are being kept indoors and inactive more these days, and teachers are overhearing normal boy-talk and are disapproving of it. If boys had more time outside to release normal pent up aggression, share their fantasies and curiosities about violence in healthy, playful ways, we would not be getting these type of emails that the school is concerned about violent talk. More male teachers would help tremendously. Like me, male teachers were boys once, and we know such talk is common – a part of exploring the legitimate desires we have to understand power and aggression. Here’s what I recommend teachers and administrators do. Rather than punish boys for thinking thoughts and expressing themselves, use what they talk about as a learning opportunity. I’d ask these questions: What is a Molotov Cocktail? Do you know what it is or what it does? Where did you first hear or learn about it? (My guess, they heard it on the Discovery or History Channel or on the news. Google it and Wikipedia has a very comprehensive history of it). I would also ask: Why do people invent weapons in the first place? Is there ever a good reason – or reasons – to use weapons? How do people feel talking about these type things? None of these thought-provoking, potentially education-yielding questions got asked here. Rather, the goal was to label boy talk/play as wrong and squash it. In my clinical work, I seize these opportunities. It helps children understand themselves and the world better. It may be an off-color remark, a swear, something said to shock me or their parents, a mean thing they heard about or want to say, an obsession with guns, fighting, and aggression that they see in video game play or read in fantasy novels. It’s common for boys to engage in very aggressive play with dinosaurs and small army men in my office. After 9-11, more kids crashed Lego planes into towers. What I’ve learned over the years is that when kids – especially boys – say or play something that feels uncomfortable to me, it often carries deeper meaning. It’s my job to pull that out and give them a safe, non-judgmental place to explore it. That calms them. That channels their frustrations and anxieties into a healthy outlet. There’s a balance to strike here. We don’t want kids to be able to say or do anything they want without reasonable monitoring and guidance. But simply shutting down all talk and play about things that make us feel uncomfortable isn’t going to decrease violence. In fact, talking and playing about violent things, within healthy limits, leads to people being less likely to engage in violence. Parents in my office are really concerned. This time of year, grades are dropping. Where’s the internal drive, many parents ask. It takes him hours – with so much push – to get through his homework. He doesn’t care. All we do is fight. Internal motivation is key to long term success, and yet, you can’t stand above your child forever and nag them into taking charge of their work. In fact, internal motivation will come on it’s own – the question is when. It’s tied to maturity. It’s a developmental process. Good news is that, maybe, it might be accelerated. Stop pushing and micromanaging. As many parents have discovered, it backfires. Parent reminders and long lectures on taking responsibility actually make kids dig their heals. There’s also a secret weapon many parents don’t use. Match them up with a self-motivated peer. Slightly older boys (or girls) your son looks up to are key… this will spark his competitive nature in a good way. We see this particularly in boys who love sports. The trick is getting a similar competitive drive in academics. Small homework groups with other boys (who are self-motivated) can also help. Find a math genius (a high schooler that the math department in your public school identifies as gifted) and have them peer tutor your son an hour here and there a week. That can vastly improve the situation. All too often we think of hiring professional tutors in expensive study-centers to organize and motivate boys. They can be valuable – but also think of hiring the older high school or college-aged guy just a few doors down. They are positive study role models. Now the bad news… There is a saboteur working against you and your son. It’s called screens. Schools are co-conspirators. They like the convenience of assignments on computers. It gives the illusion that technology facilitates learning. Maybe it does sometimes, but many boys are getting pulled into distractions. iPads are really becoming the latest problem. Is there a way to completely block everything online, other than what he really needs for study? If so, do it. For most boys, it’s a sobering fact that they won’t increase their internal motivation for schoolwork if they are doing a lot of their work on a screen. They cheat. They simply move a few fingers and call up hundreds of more exciting, fun, entertaining things to watch. The current situation isn’t going to improve until we adults control the stimuli. Most boys won’t control the stimuli on their own. The novelty factor is too high. And if your son carries a diagnosis of ADHD, it’s even harder for him to turn off the screens… ADHD people don’t have a deficit of attention, new research shows. They can focus like everyone else, but they seek things with high novelty. If YouTube, games, social media are a click away from math and science, expect homework to be dragged out for hours. Truth be told, we adults aren’t immune to the distractions of screens. It’s getting harder and harder for us to be self-motivated. Perhaps, we should lead by example. Shut off the iPhone at home, no screens during dinner, don’t check for work emails… Show your kids how you are controlling stimuli. |
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