The first three seconds matter. You can’t get them back. Everyone forms first, strong opinions in these fleeting moments.

So, all young children need to learn greeting basics. Practice them constantly with your children.

• Head up
• Eye contact
• Smile
• “Hello, nice to meet you… my name is _______”
• Extend hand (if child is older)

In my office, when first meeting a child, I know which parents have (and which haven’t) spent time training their kids on the greeting basics. The kids who get these simple steps down early, I’ve observed, go on to be happier, make more friends, handle new social situations more easily, aren’t as self-conscious, and act more confidently.

Colleges, despite stated goals, are selecting high performers, not leaders. Grade point averages and résumés are about standing out from the pack, not truly leading it. Emphasizing these criteria promotes unhealthy, Type-A behaviors in high schoolers who push themselves out of fear of rejection. We should define leadership more thoughtfully.

In my work with young men, I see leadership at pivotal moments that demand a courageous response. Facing an unfair coach. Confronting a bully. Sticking by a friend who comes out to them about his sexual identity. At pivotal moments these boys, often shy and unassuming, find their voice. They stand up for what matters to them, but not in a self-promoting way. They demonstrate a quiet resolve that has the power to help others see things differently.

Rosa Parks comes up frequently in office discussions, in addition to the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi and Lincoln. Boys I talk with also admire celebrities as varied as Derek Jeter and Ellen DeGeneres.

The boys I know with leadership potential are passionate yet emotionally measured, self-reflective and able to position themselves as learners. They don’t idealize popularity and can step outside social media and trends to think for themselves. They don’t showboat or pad their online profiles. And like the Rosa Parkses of the world, they don’t stand out until they stand up, leading decisively at pivotal moments of their choosing.