My nephew’s birthday party turned out to be a great example of the power of Behavior Management. It was my first time at laser tag, accompanied by fifteen screaming, eight-year-old boys. We first entered a mysterious dark room with neon painted walls. An employee, a young man in his twenties, jumped onto a platform to address the kids. With a raised, but controlled authoritative voice, he announced The Rules. Those rules were printed behind him in large glowing letters. The rules were specific and pertained to playing safely and being respectful of others. He made the boys repeat the ten rules back to him – which they did with great enthusiasm. This approach drew the boys in. They made sustained eye contact and repeated the rules word-for-word in unison like an army platoon. Next, the young man made the boys agree verbally to abide by the rules or else they’d be expelled from the game. No second chances. And not until everyone agreed, did he push a button that opened a second door allowing us all access to the large laser play area. All the elements of good behavior management were in place. It worked like a charm. Even running through mazes and shooting laser guns, with music blaring, these active eight-year-olds held it together. That’s the power of behavior management!
My story doesn’t end there. After laser tag was over, things fell apart. I’m a psychologist and even I didn’t see it coming. The kids filed into an adjacent private room with a long table decorated for the birthday party. Balloons were arranged in a wonderful centerpiece. Boxes of fresh pizza were stacked up ready to eat. A beautiful cake was decorated in a Star Wars theme. Quickly, behavior started to deteriorate. One or two boys left their chairs and roamed around. One kid faked that he had to leave early so he could get his goodie bag before the others, then he showed his goodies off to other boys who started to demand they get their bags too. As soon as parents turned their backs to cut the cake, the balloons were grabbed, separated, and escaped up to the high ceiling. I saw one boy literally trying to climb a wall, and another pushing open an alarmed exit door. He told me he wanted to get outdoors to run. The noise level inside was greater than the crowded main lobby. These were the same 15 boys who had done so well with laser guns only 5 minutes earlier! What happened? No rules were announced before they entered the party room. No expectations set. No consequences discussed. That made all the difference. The lesson is this. Never expect kids (boys especially) to carry the rules in their heads from one activity to another, especially at this age. And it’s worth doing the work upfront if you want to have more productive fun and less stress. Oh – one more thing – if you can, hire the guy at Laser Tag to set up your rules. He was amazing! There are some scary statistics being reported out there, like these from a 2014 study on ADHD. Don’t panic. These studies don’t mean you or someone you love with ADHD is destined for education or economic ruin. Instead, they highlight the importance of appreciating the ADHD mind and the importance of best fit. They guide us on what not to force onto these youngsters and young adults, many of whom are active boys and men. For example, sitting long hours tethered to desks, being lectured without opportunities to learn by doing – and worst of all – not encouraging motion in one’s work life – is pure misery for the ADHD mind. Fit is essential. Squeezing the more fluid, novelty-seeking ADHD mind into our ever-narrowing one-size-fits-all schools and offices won’t cut it. ADHD minds were designed to work best when incorporating movement, being outdoors, shifting tasks frequently, being creative, and to literally build, make, and do real things. The ADHD mind wants to experience life directly, in the here and now, and needs the freedom to roam onto unanticipated paths. A mom asked about her child’s fibbing and tendency to exaggerate. She wanted to know what she should do. When this happens in my office, I tend to stop the conversation and say something like: “I’m struggling with something right now… and I need your help. I know that sometimes people don’t tell the truth or they say things in an exaggerated way to try to impress others or to avoid getting in trouble.” Then I wait and see if they respond. Even if they don’t, pausing helps impress upon them that this is a problem that others shouldn’t excuse. Then I might say, “and I’m uncomfortable right now. I don’t feel that what I’m hearing from you is truthful or it’s an exaggeration. Is what your saying one of those? Could you be exaggerating?” At this point, kids/teens will be more honest, especially if you are not angry or threatening them with a punishment. If they continue to fib, cut the conversation short and say “Well, I want to keep talking and listening, but it makes me feel foolish if the other person is just making stuff up. Why don’t we take a break and we can talk more later on when we can have a more honest conversation.” A dad recently contacted me with concerns about his son getting fast-tracked into an ADHD diagnosis and starting medication. I told him to make certain that he’s reviewed my checklist below of the common things that can mask as ADHD symptoms and easily lead a child into a wrong diagnosis. (At School) – Teachers who aren’t sensitive to or don’t have experience working with active boys – Heavy language-based education and not enough hands-on tasks – Few motor breaks throughout the class day and short to no-recess time to release the normal high activity needs of many boys – Boys who are younger than their peers, even by a few weeks or months, often get accidentally diagnosed as having ADHD – they’re just less mature and will catch up (At Home) – Food additives and preservatives have been indicated in hyperactivity – Allergies can exacerbate behavior issues – Exposure to lead paint and other neurotoxins – Hearing or vision problems – An undiagnosed learning disability – High screen/tv exposure – Lack of sleep – Anxiety – Marital discord and any other family based stresses that make kids feel insecure or anxious are notorious for masking as ADHD There are so many things that can influence a child’s attentional skills and his ability to block out extraneous information to focus. There are also many things that ramp up motor activity, especially when a child is being asked to sit still and engage in less novel or enjoyable tasks. So don’t think ADHD first, but instead, review possible other causes first. Do you have advice on helping teenage boys with their impulse control when it comes to social media and discussions about girls?
The problem isn’t about impulse control. Nor is it concern only with boys. The inappropriate use of social media is happening with girls too. The problem is the technology and 24/7 access to social media that’s driving inappropriate discussion and behavior around sex. Interest in sex is completely healthy and normal, but technology speeds everything up – it drives the discussions too fast via texting, overstimulates the brain with sexually explicit ideas or graphic images, and provides lots of misinformation. This problem is growing as the must-have new technologies get released. We’re in uncharted territory. I’ve spoken to grade school and high school teachers at conferences about social media concerns (sexting), and we can’t come up with a single, simple solution or approach. As long as parents purchase and provide their kids with these technologies, the problems of inappropriate use will continue. There is one thing a parent can do: monitor and get tough. Especially for younger teens (15 and younger) you’ll need to be on whatever social media they use – Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook – and be watching their activity. Be clear about which ones they can and can’t use. These are powerful technologies that are easily abused in the hands of minors and teenagers. Frankly, many adults have problems staying appropriate online and many get addicted to social media. Make a simple rule: If your teen is inappropriate, their phones/computer access must be immediately removed for at least one week to make a clear statement that technology isn’t a toy and has dire consequences when used inappropriately – especially around anything sexual. One mom of a 2.5 year old recently asked how best to encourage her son to be less shy. In my talks to parents and teachers, I cover four basic boy types. One of them is called “Shy-Vigilant”. These little guys tend to pull back when around other kids and don’t jump into play. They love to run behind their parents and watch what’s going on. This boy holds his preschool teacher’s hand a lot of the time, but otherwise he is doing well and listens and behaves in that setting. At 2.5, there’s no telling how much of this boy’s shyness is set in stone. So much development is on the way in the many years to come and kids change all the time. I did recommend a buddy system approach to help him feel more at ease at preschool. Maybe there’s a boy (or better yet maybe a girl, as these type boys like less stimulation) who could be paired with him some of the day around an activity or two. This boy could get a simple reward (a checkmark or colorful bead to add to a cup) for spending more and more time not holding his teacher’s hand and more time with his new buddy. This could be encouraged slowly, with longer times being expected. Another good strategy is to have a classmate over to his house. I’d make it a time-limited and low-stress visit that’s impromptu – the other mom and classmate can just show up for a “visit” and then see how it goes. He’ll be on his territory, so that should help him feel less shy. And not announcing it or planning it will help him be less worried. Two parents recently asked similar questions. How can we encourage kids to “stop playing dumb” in order to be more popular? And, how can we help encourage kids to make good choices in friends, especially when others can be mean or arbitrary about who they let into their inner circle? The answer is surprisingly simple: Do nothing. Truth is, when it comes to social choices, we can’t save kids from choosing bad playmates or peers. Kids need to go through all the social steps, and missteps, on their own if they are going to build the social skills they need to thrive as adults. We had to learn about the complexities of the social world this way, too. Let them figure out on their own who to be close to and learn that “popular” kids can sometimes be mean and rejecting. That experience of pain helps them develop a tougher social skin, and it helps them to open up possibilities toward others who are better suited and offer deeper friendships not based only on things alike the clothes you wear, music you listen to, or sports you play. How do I keep dialogue and conversation open with my boys as they get older? Most important: get his hands busy. Don’t plan on a lengthy verbal exchange, but do something playful together. Don’t pose direct questions, especially about serious subjects like school work, problems with social issues, or disappointments and failures in sports. Those issues will come up on their own when your son is ready. Establish a fun, enjoyable, and often physical type relationship first. So many times in my office I get boys talking once I start tossing a squishy ball between us or walking with them over to a shelf filled with collections of rocks and fossils. Don’t sit opposite your son to try to get him talking. Direct eye contact can be threatening. Play side by side. Another great trick is to wait until night. Right before bed, ask him to share anything he wants with you – only if he wants – and assure him that this is a good time to let thoughts float out of his head so he can start the next day fresh. Tell him you do this too. You release any negative thoughts just before your head hits the pillow and it feels great. How do I keep my son anchored and close to family as he grows? I see this challenge everyday in my office. Parents view their growing sons as changing and losing touch with their family. But interestingly, their sons see it quite differently. They talk about their parents drifting from them – not the other way around. They talk about their parents becoming more and more serious about homework and grades. They tell me their parents are busy and stressed and worried about jobs. They tell me that the only times their moms and dads interact with them is when something is going wrong. They tend to only recall the critical and unhappy side of their parents. One boy recently broke down in the office telling me his parents don’t engage with him on the things they used to enjoy and talk about, like getting outside to play one-on-one basketball in the driveway or talk about a cool new video game. Many parents admit to me that they are revved up, are more serious, as their boys grow older. Mainly because teachers and coaches and other parents seem to be on a treadmill of pushing for higher results. So, remember… lower the stress. Also, remember that boys connect with us not through words or tasks, but typically though physical activities. One mom told me how she’d had an epiphany. One day she heard herself nagging and complaining about chores and homework, and told me she didn’t like being that kind of mom. Instead, she decided to take a walk with her son around the block. Get out of the house and leave the tension behind that was causing a rift between them. This grew into taking hikes with her son on free afternoons and weekends (without his young sibling tagging along) to explore cool wooded areas and trails near their home. They bonded without words, but with each step they took, each interesting rock they collected, the relationship solidified. Boys share experiences – often without words – and mainly when outdoors. They also don’t like to share our attention. They deserve this one-on-one time no matter how old they get. Boys love to give one-word answers. Is this normal? The answer may surprise you. As boys get older, and approach mid-elementary school years, most will pull back and express less emotion. It’s normal. They retreat from uncomfortable feelings. They talk less about problems. This seems a sudden shift for parents who recall their young son once telling them everything and displaying sadness and worries openly. This change isn’t abnormal, and in fact, their retreat from expressing strong emotion or worry directly is part of the developmental path most boys will take. Not all boys, but most. They are shoring up their new found sense of power, masculinity, and belief that they are capable and independent. This is both a true gender difference, some of it likely is wired in some way, and much of it is based on how we socialize young teenage men. Don’t be concerned that your son isn’t as verbal and emotional as he once was, and adjust your expectations for how he communicates with you. |
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