Little gets me excited in psychiatric literature… but this did: A Harvard MRI study of people practicing mindfulness-meditation techniques shows increased thickness in the gray matter of the brain’s cortex. The brain areas that got thicker involved attention and emotional regulation. Why is this so important? Those are the two most common complaints – the two most common justifications – for putting more and more children on medications. I hear it too, in my office everyday. He isn’t focusing, he’s too distracted, he’s behaviorally impulsive. She’s overwhelmed, and gets so worried and depressed.
So – stop for a moment (as you would in any mindfulness technique) and focus on this post. Don’t just click off and go into the next, and the next. Let this get absorbed. Let this sink in. It could change your life and your child’s life. It’s time to get all kids practicing simple mind-body techniques. A few minutes everyday would do it. These techniques are easy to learn, they feel good and are cost-effective (don’t cost a dime), can improve physical health, and now, as studies are starting to show, improve brain, behavior, and emotional functions. How simple? Start with taking a few breaths, close your eyes, or stare off onto something that pleases you. Think of nothing else. Hold onto that feeling as long as possible. You just experienced mindfulness! So it’s time to get ahead of the curve. This is where the latest brain science is headed. There are enough studies emerging now to seriously consider these (often ancient) techniques as essential, like good nutrition, exercise, and getting enough sleep. These techniques are being taken more seriously as an effective alternative to the use of chemical psychiatric agents. As always, consult with physicians you trust before starting (or stopping) any prescribed medication. Get second opinions too. But, remember, medications aren’t the only – or necessarily the best – way to get the brain into a healthier state. Modern life has eroded many of the basic rituals and behaviors that keep us sane and balanced. It’s time we brought them back! These include daily healthy physical movement, being outdoors more, securing moments to reflect and relax free of technology, and engage in positive (real) social contact instead of the often competitive and negative (virtual) contact we get exposed to on social media. Mindfulness and meditation are a part of these healthy life habits. The promise here is profound, but real. Engage in daily practices and sound behaviors that keep you and your family on the road to health – and yes – happiness! An eight year old boy threw his helmet to the ground, twice, and stomped off the field. He’s done this before. In the past, his parents have made him apologize to his teammates and coaches. But this latest episode has them wondering if he should miss his next game, which is the last game of the season. The answer is YES! This youngster should lose the privilege. Letting him play again and again despite poor social behavior only gives him an unintentional stage and audience to keep making mistakes. For whatever reasons, he just isn’t emotionally ready to play this team sport. But he will in time – when he develops greater self-control and management of his anger and frustrations. That comes with development. And what drives development? Repeat learning opportunities like this. Missing his last game and disappointing his teammates because of his bad choices: That’s what will drive better skills to the surface. My nephew’s birthday party turned out to be a great example of the power of Behavior Management. It was my first time at laser tag, accompanied by fifteen screaming, eight-year-old boys. We first entered a mysterious dark room with neon painted walls. An employee, a young man in his twenties, jumped onto a platform to address the kids. With a raised, but controlled authoritative voice, he announced The Rules. Those rules were printed behind him in large glowing letters. The rules were specific and pertained to playing safely and being respectful of others. He made the boys repeat the ten rules back to him – which they did with great enthusiasm. This approach drew the boys in. They made sustained eye contact and repeated the rules word-for-word in unison like an army platoon. Next, the young man made the boys agree verbally to abide by the rules or else they’d be expelled from the game. No second chances. And not until everyone agreed, did he push a button that opened a second door allowing us all access to the large laser play area. All the elements of good behavior management were in place. It worked like a charm. Even running through mazes and shooting laser guns, with music blaring, these active eight-year-olds held it together. That’s the power of behavior management!
My story doesn’t end there. After laser tag was over, things fell apart. I’m a psychologist and even I didn’t see it coming. The kids filed into an adjacent private room with a long table decorated for the birthday party. Balloons were arranged in a wonderful centerpiece. Boxes of fresh pizza were stacked up ready to eat. A beautiful cake was decorated in a Star Wars theme. Quickly, behavior started to deteriorate. One or two boys left their chairs and roamed around. One kid faked that he had to leave early so he could get his goodie bag before the others, then he showed his goodies off to other boys who started to demand they get their bags too. As soon as parents turned their backs to cut the cake, the balloons were grabbed, separated, and escaped up to the high ceiling. I saw one boy literally trying to climb a wall, and another pushing open an alarmed exit door. He told me he wanted to get outdoors to run. The noise level inside was greater than the crowded main lobby. These were the same 15 boys who had done so well with laser guns only 5 minutes earlier! What happened? No rules were announced before they entered the party room. No expectations set. No consequences discussed. That made all the difference. The lesson is this. Never expect kids (boys especially) to carry the rules in their heads from one activity to another, especially at this age. And it’s worth doing the work upfront if you want to have more productive fun and less stress. Oh – one more thing – if you can, hire the guy at Laser Tag to set up your rules. He was amazing! There are some scary statistics being reported out there, like these from a 2014 study on ADHD. Don’t panic. These studies don’t mean you or someone you love with ADHD is destined for education or economic ruin. Instead, they highlight the importance of appreciating the ADHD mind and the importance of best fit. They guide us on what not to force onto these youngsters and young adults, many of whom are active boys and men. For example, sitting long hours tethered to desks, being lectured without opportunities to learn by doing – and worst of all – not encouraging motion in one’s work life – is pure misery for the ADHD mind. Fit is essential. Squeezing the more fluid, novelty-seeking ADHD mind into our ever-narrowing one-size-fits-all schools and offices won’t cut it. ADHD minds were designed to work best when incorporating movement, being outdoors, shifting tasks frequently, being creative, and to literally build, make, and do real things. The ADHD mind wants to experience life directly, in the here and now, and needs the freedom to roam onto unanticipated paths. A mom asked about her child’s fibbing and tendency to exaggerate. She wanted to know what she should do. When this happens in my office, I tend to stop the conversation and say something like: “I’m struggling with something right now… and I need your help. I know that sometimes people don’t tell the truth or they say things in an exaggerated way to try to impress others or to avoid getting in trouble.” Then I wait and see if they respond. Even if they don’t, pausing helps impress upon them that this is a problem that others shouldn’t excuse. Then I might say, “and I’m uncomfortable right now. I don’t feel that what I’m hearing from you is truthful or it’s an exaggeration. Is what your saying one of those? Could you be exaggerating?” At this point, kids/teens will be more honest, especially if you are not angry or threatening them with a punishment. If they continue to fib, cut the conversation short and say “Well, I want to keep talking and listening, but it makes me feel foolish if the other person is just making stuff up. Why don’t we take a break and we can talk more later on when we can have a more honest conversation.” A dad recently contacted me with concerns about his son getting fast-tracked into an ADHD diagnosis and starting medication. I told him to make certain that he’s reviewed my checklist below of the common things that can mask as ADHD symptoms and easily lead a child into a wrong diagnosis. (At School) – Teachers who aren’t sensitive to or don’t have experience working with active boys – Heavy language-based education and not enough hands-on tasks – Few motor breaks throughout the class day and short to no-recess time to release the normal high activity needs of many boys – Boys who are younger than their peers, even by a few weeks or months, often get accidentally diagnosed as having ADHD – they’re just less mature and will catch up (At Home) – Food additives and preservatives have been indicated in hyperactivity – Allergies can exacerbate behavior issues – Exposure to lead paint and other neurotoxins – Hearing or vision problems – An undiagnosed learning disability – High screen/tv exposure – Lack of sleep – Anxiety – Marital discord and any other family based stresses that make kids feel insecure or anxious are notorious for masking as ADHD There are so many things that can influence a child’s attentional skills and his ability to block out extraneous information to focus. There are also many things that ramp up motor activity, especially when a child is being asked to sit still and engage in less novel or enjoyable tasks. So don’t think ADHD first, but instead, review possible other causes first. Do you have advice on helping teenage boys with their impulse control when it comes to social media and discussions about girls?
The problem isn’t about impulse control. Nor is it concern only with boys. The inappropriate use of social media is happening with girls too. The problem is the technology and 24/7 access to social media that’s driving inappropriate discussion and behavior around sex. Interest in sex is completely healthy and normal, but technology speeds everything up – it drives the discussions too fast via texting, overstimulates the brain with sexually explicit ideas or graphic images, and provides lots of misinformation. This problem is growing as the must-have new technologies get released. We’re in uncharted territory. I’ve spoken to grade school and high school teachers at conferences about social media concerns (sexting), and we can’t come up with a single, simple solution or approach. As long as parents purchase and provide their kids with these technologies, the problems of inappropriate use will continue. There is one thing a parent can do: monitor and get tough. Especially for younger teens (15 and younger) you’ll need to be on whatever social media they use – Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook – and be watching their activity. Be clear about which ones they can and can’t use. These are powerful technologies that are easily abused in the hands of minors and teenagers. Frankly, many adults have problems staying appropriate online and many get addicted to social media. Make a simple rule: If your teen is inappropriate, their phones/computer access must be immediately removed for at least one week to make a clear statement that technology isn’t a toy and has dire consequences when used inappropriately – especially around anything sexual. One mom of a 2.5 year old recently asked how best to encourage her son to be less shy. In my talks to parents and teachers, I cover four basic boy types. One of them is called “Shy-Vigilant”. These little guys tend to pull back when around other kids and don’t jump into play. They love to run behind their parents and watch what’s going on. This boy holds his preschool teacher’s hand a lot of the time, but otherwise he is doing well and listens and behaves in that setting. At 2.5, there’s no telling how much of this boy’s shyness is set in stone. So much development is on the way in the many years to come and kids change all the time. I did recommend a buddy system approach to help him feel more at ease at preschool. Maybe there’s a boy (or better yet maybe a girl, as these type boys like less stimulation) who could be paired with him some of the day around an activity or two. This boy could get a simple reward (a checkmark or colorful bead to add to a cup) for spending more and more time not holding his teacher’s hand and more time with his new buddy. This could be encouraged slowly, with longer times being expected. Another good strategy is to have a classmate over to his house. I’d make it a time-limited and low-stress visit that’s impromptu – the other mom and classmate can just show up for a “visit” and then see how it goes. He’ll be on his territory, so that should help him feel less shy. And not announcing it or planning it will help him be less worried. Two parents recently asked similar questions. How can we encourage kids to “stop playing dumb” in order to be more popular? And, how can we help encourage kids to make good choices in friends, especially when others can be mean or arbitrary about who they let into their inner circle? The answer is surprisingly simple: Do nothing. Truth is, when it comes to social choices, we can’t save kids from choosing bad playmates or peers. Kids need to go through all the social steps, and missteps, on their own if they are going to build the social skills they need to thrive as adults. We had to learn about the complexities of the social world this way, too. Let them figure out on their own who to be close to and learn that “popular” kids can sometimes be mean and rejecting. That experience of pain helps them develop a tougher social skin, and it helps them to open up possibilities toward others who are better suited and offer deeper friendships not based only on things alike the clothes you wear, music you listen to, or sports you play. How do I keep dialogue and conversation open with my boys as they get older? Most important: get his hands busy. Don’t plan on a lengthy verbal exchange, but do something playful together. Don’t pose direct questions, especially about serious subjects like school work, problems with social issues, or disappointments and failures in sports. Those issues will come up on their own when your son is ready. Establish a fun, enjoyable, and often physical type relationship first. So many times in my office I get boys talking once I start tossing a squishy ball between us or walking with them over to a shelf filled with collections of rocks and fossils. Don’t sit opposite your son to try to get him talking. Direct eye contact can be threatening. Play side by side. Another great trick is to wait until night. Right before bed, ask him to share anything he wants with you – only if he wants – and assure him that this is a good time to let thoughts float out of his head so he can start the next day fresh. Tell him you do this too. You release any negative thoughts just before your head hits the pillow and it feels great. |
Archives
October 2018
Categories
All
|